ROCKFORD - The sixth annual Kitt F. Fisher Memorial MAD SCRAMBLE Golf Outing is scheduled for Saturday, June 14, 2008 at North Kent Golf Club in Rockford, Michigan. Tee off is 12:30.

This year’s Fatty activities will support American hero, U.S. Marine Corporal Josh Hoffman and Paws with a Cause (click the links to read more about each).

Cost this year is $65 per golfer and includes 18 holes with a cart, meal and prizes following. As always, there’ll be a kilt or two in sight, at least one pair of lederhosen and a few “creative” scoring opportunities.

*** HOLE and PRIZE SPONSORSHIPS are available!!! ***

Please hit CONTACT to sign up yourself, a group or to sponsor and we’ll see you on the great green carrier of the seas!

“It’s an acquired taste, that has to be practiced…like Scotch…or monogamy.”

- Hans “The Queen” Heikkinen

Agenda for the first 2008 Committee Meeting, chaired by EZ:

Our first Bar Committee Meeting will be held at Logan’s Alley this weekend.

We will need a recording secretary to keep the minutes. I nominate you. Bitch.

Agenda:

1) Beers.
    A) Order a second round of beers.
2) Bad mouth Ringler
   A) A lot
3) More Beers
   A) Discuss the possibility of shots
4) Talk about some bar or something.
   A) It has something to do with wiffleball
5) Yes, honey I will be home soon
   A) Man, she calls a lot
6) What shall we serve at the Fat Bastard?
   A) I’m thinking Boone’s Farm.
7) Ok, one last beer
   A) and some wings.
8 ) Get Jose to finance it, that guy never pays his fines.
   A) Ok, we’ll just take up a collection.
   B) let’s get expensive brand empty bottles and put cheap liquor in it, no one has ever thought of that before.
9) Unusual drinking vessels
   A) You know that gas can wasn’t a bad idea 
   B) what about a Gilligan’s Island native head hunter bowl?
   C) I know, we’ll drink out of a bra.
   D) Good idea, Moop
10) Meeting adjouned.

There, now, who’s up for a song about fighting and drinking then?

The following is a Shout Out from Steve “Cougar” Peavler:

How out of touch are you?

I like to think I’m down. I live in a big city. I meet a lot of people. I read the business section (quickly, so I can skip to the comics). I feel like I still have some mojo working with the ladies. I enjoy world travel. I stay abreast of pop culture, current local and national political issues. I like to shop for new clothes a few times a year. I stay active. I see new movies….

I was once on the cutting edge of society. I had Murmur on cassette in 1982. I chose Moonlighting over ER in 1986. I preferred Barton Fink to Cape Fear in 1991. My favorite World Series was in 1993 when I rooted for Lenny Dykstra and John Kruk in a losing seven-game effort to the Toronto Blue Jays. In 1998 I was partial to Zero Effect, not Armageddon.

Cutting edge is a fleeting phenomenon.

I am an old, out of touch, square fuddy duddy. My Facebook page is a blank stare. I have never “gooned” anyone, or posted any physical beatings on You Tube. I have never stolen a car. I don’t know who Arcade Fire or Band or Horses are. I have never called anyone “Boo”.

I am a 37 year old boy-man in denial. I am past a prime that hit the Mendoza Line at its high peak. I never really went to huge rock concerts, nightclubs or great parties. I usually stay at home on the weekend. I have never picked up a girl at a bar. I have been married for almost ten years and my wife most definitely wears the pants. I have done drugs, just not any of the cool ones. When I travel outside of the country, I usually need serious help just getting to the correct gate at the airport. I still can’t explain American Idol, Grand Theft Auto, the electoral college system or the dynamics of Social Security and FICA. My clothes never seem to fit, and I have the most common size in the country. I follow most major sports and still can’t explain a balk, intentional grounding or traveling. My personal sports career ended at age 14 on the bench during a parochial league faculty-student basketball game, only to be resurrected in August 2003 with our first appearance at the Fat Bastard Wiffle ball tournament.

This year, Matt Hilgers will join me for our sixth shot at one-day greatness. In the past five years, I have exactly one home run, but our expectations have never been higher. In 2008, we are both new fathers. We would like to say this will play a part in our success, but that would be bullshit. What I can say is the following….

We want O.B. to be our manager…

We would love to play against Ringler but he always rigs the tournament so he doesn’t face us….

Scott Graves is pussywhipped and we love him for it…..

EZ has got to be the only 16th century FOP living in central Michigan…..

Jimmy Chitwood is the most pampered superstar the FB has ever known…..

Alan Garcia is still the player we most fear….

Sean the Rocket is welcome to walk me anytime….

I will no longer play without pants. That was a 2007 special one time offering….

Our political views will be, as always, off the table. Don’t try to bait us….

A game against Trey and the Moop would be heaven….

Sugar, I have your number….

The Doctors are a bunch of sissies….

Drinking is NOT optional….

The HRL love-fest has already hit its peak….

Please don’t make us play the Hillary’s….

That dude who made the pork and played us was weird, but we liked him….

If Matt pukes before Noon, we are a dangerous team to draw….

I don’t want to drink heavily, but if Mixan pushes me too far….

Larry, those cocktails were marvelous…

WE WANT O.B. TO BE OUR MANAGER! And we don’t think there is a rule against it – even if he is playing for another team!… &*@# it!

It’s on, bitches. Vote for Senator Rusty Trombone in 2008!

The following is from crack free lance reporter, Trey “The Bookie” Sumner:

GRAND RAPIDS - Legendary wiffler and hall-of-famer, Jeff “O.B.” O’Bryan was detained for questioning by the Kent County Police over the weekend after his home was raided late Friday night. Police claim Little Buddy’s residence has been under surveillance for weeks and that he is considered to be a major player in a quickly growing ring of underground “kitten fighting clubs.”

Details are sketchy at this time and police are not releasing any information until all the facts are in. Fellow Fatties Moop, Trey and EZ were on the scene when the raid occured but were quickly released when they explained that they had only stopped by a few minutes earlier to invite O.B. to join them for a prayer breakfast and to read Bible stories to the blind children at the orphanage, and that the only reason they had betting slips in their pockets was because they took them to keep other people from betting.

“If stealing these saves even one kitten then go ahead and label me a thief!” proclaimed a teary eyed Moop.

Witnesses also stated that Trey and EZ were genuinely confused and had to have the police explain to them what “gambling” was multiple times before they even understood what they were being questioned about.

We will keep you updated as details are released.

We’re just about ready to open up registration for the 2008 Fat Bastard Wiffle Ball Tournament.

Just for a heck of it, you might enjoy a quick peek backwards…at the old Fat Bastard site, which is still out there wasting cyberspace since 2005. CLICK HERE.

Ahh, the memories…

“She’s the first girl I ever kissed…’cause I never kissed that hooker in Amsterdam.”

- Anonymous Fatty.

The potential inductees for the 2008 Hall of Fame Class have been announced. Please visit the Hall of Fame page to review your choices and PLEASE VOTE HERE by listing your top three choices in order. Anyone is welcome to vote! Voters are asked to consider a candidate’s “overall contribution” to the success of the Fat Bastard Wiffle Ball Tournament.

As always, the full description of the eligibility requirements and the voting standards are included on the Hall of Fame page.

This year’s inductees will be announced in June.

CHARLOTTE - Hall of Famer Dave “Rings” Ringler is on the shelf again, as he’s taken a shot on the beak during a UFC match this past weekend.

“Yeah, I was reaching for some peanuts and someone threw a remote control, apparently upset at their favorite fighter losing,” explained Rings, “and it hit me square in the nose.”

After apologies were exchanged, the rest of the evening was in the E.R. (no George Clooney seen) where a broken nose and sinusitis was diagnosed. It has not yet been determined how long he’ll be out of action, but there’ll be no sports - or beer - for awhile due to the difficulty breathing.

“Hopefully, this gets healed up quickly, as Fatty registration is about to begin,” hoped Ringler, “and I need to be sure my liver is in shape.”

UPDATE: While a slight improvement has been noted, Rings is still pretty ugly.

GRAND RAPIDS - The world infamous War Pigs opened their 2008 campaign last night with a split in their double header at Rec Sports.

The War Pigs includes the following Fatties:
OB
Sugar
EZ-E
Rings
Colonel
Senator
B-Tram (honorary)
Big ‘Un
Jose
Jughead
Moop

For a look at the action, check out Shutter Monkey’s site HERE.